I've been thinking about this all morning. This is the first time that I've just sat and looked back over it all. This year has been a crazy one. I've had heartbreak and frustration. There's that time I threw my bible across the living room in a fit of childish temper and so many tears that I'm surprised my eyes continue to produce them.
However, these things are insignificant when I think about what this year really was. It was a year of hope and of healing. A whole other way of life was opened up to me; a way of faith and beauty and joy. It's like suddenly seeing the world in a thousand different colours and I am stunned. How did I never see this? And why was I so content with black and white?
'Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free' - John 8:32
To all the people who thought I was being brainwashed: I say yes. I have had my brain washed. It's been cleaned of the rubbish and set free by new truths. When I first came to God I was broken. I didn't think that I was, but I guess it's only since I've been fixed up that I can see what a state I was in. I was insecure. I thought so little of myself. I hated what I looked like. The only part of myself that I thought was worth anything was my intelligence. And because this was the only thing I prized in myself, it became the only thing I valued in others. I was also broken-hearted and terrified that I was unlovable. Always scared that I annoyed my friends; that they would tire of me or see me as I really was and leave. Then I met Jesus and everything got turned upside down.
None of these things vanished overnight. It's been a journey (clichéd I know, but oh well). It's been long and painful and much counselling from Amy Mehta and various other peoples has been required. But God heals. What's amazing now, is that I can look back at who I was and look at who I am now and be blown away by how much God has done in me. And for that, I am so ridiculously grateful. God has shown me that I can have confidence that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved unconditionally. He sees the depths of my heart, the good and the bad, and loves me the same. He gives me joy. As for the other problem; 'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' - Psalm 147:3.
I most definitely agree.
I am whole and re-made. And to think that this is only the beginning. I am being filled up, learning to lean on my God, delighting in His word, seeking His presence, because He is everything. And I know that when the time comes He will reveal His plan for me. He will send me out.
