Living

It's been such a long while since I've done anything. I always have an excuse; 'I'm revising' 'It's exam period' 'I'm on holiday' 'I'm working on my UCAS' 'I'm waiting for results' 'I just got my results' 'PERSONAL STATEMENT!'


It's silly really. 
I just need to live.
It's one of my greatest fears, being lost in the mundane. That each day drags into the same, until you lose that sense of awe at how vast the sky you live under is, at how fresh the morning feels, at simple things like bare feet on over-hot tarmac and the messiness of finger-painting. I get so lost in what must be done that I forget to enjoy.


I went on holiday, wandered the beach at night, and read my bible, and this verse got stamped all over my heart..
"For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God." - Galatians 2:19


And I realised, that I'd gotten so caught up in what must be done that I'd forgotten to just live for God. My actions were boxes that needed to be ticked 
- Read bible daily
- Pray for others
- Stop being so judgemental
- Work on the pride thing


Don't get me wrong, all these things needed to, and still need to be done, but I'd forgotten why I was doing them, how I could do them, how if I just took Jesus literally when he said "Love God, Love Others", everything else falls into place. I realised that every inch of me had been screaming out 'just let me live for God' but I hadn't been letting myself, I'd been hampering my freedom in Christ; because the freedom we're given is grace, the room to make mistakes, say sorry and ask for the Spirit's help to change. Nobody ever changed themselves through following the rules, only through experience, growth, acknowledging our faults and allowing ourselves to be shaped by God can we become even a little bit more like Jesus. There is a great joy that comes from knowing Christ, having him live in us and guide us, and I don't want to miss that because I'm too busy ticking off my 'how to live like a Christian' checklist.

So even though this blog post isn't perfect, neither am I. I could polish it and polish to make it look like how I want to be presented to the outside world. Or I can just stick it up here. It has the capacity to be wrong, but so do I. Just got to live life anyway.

A Year Ago Today

Today is my Christianniversary. Now, I realise that this isn't an official term, it's actually one that originated from a friend of mine, the beautiful Gabbi "http://love-beyond-life.blogspot.com" (that's her blog). She's not only a great friend, but she's my 'Christian twin'. On 5th July 2009 we both gave our lives to Jesus.

I've been thinking about this all morning. This is the first time that I've just sat and looked back over it all. This year has been a crazy one. I've had heartbreak and frustration. There's that time I threw my bible across the living room in a fit of childish temper and so many tears that I'm surprised my eyes continue to produce them.

However, these things are insignificant when I think about what this year really was. It was a year of hope and of healing. A whole other way of life was opened up to me; a way of faith and beauty and joy. It's like suddenly seeing the world in a thousand different colours and I am stunned. How did I never see this? And why was I so content with black and white?



'Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free' - John 8:32
To all the people who thought I was being brainwashed: I say yes. I have had my brain washed. It's been cleaned of the rubbish and set free by new truths. When I first came to God I was broken. I didn't think that I was, but I guess it's only since I've been fixed up that I can see what a state I was in. I was insecure. I thought so little of myself. I hated what I looked like. The only part of myself that I thought was worth anything was my intelligence. And because this was the only thing I prized in myself, it became the only thing I valued in others. I was also broken-hearted and terrified that I was unlovable. Always scared that I annoyed my friends; that they would tire of me or see me as I really was and leave. Then I met Jesus and everything got turned upside down.

None of these things vanished overnight. It's been a journey (clichéd I know, but oh well). It's been long and painful and much counselling from Amy Mehta and various other peoples has been required. But God heals. What's amazing now, is that I can look back at who I was and look at who I am now and be blown away by how much God has done in me. And for that, I am so ridiculously grateful. God has shown me that I can have confidence that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved unconditionally. He sees the depths of my heart, the good and the bad, and loves me the same. He gives me joy. As for the other problem; 'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' - Psalm 147:3.
I most definitely agree.

I am whole and re-made. And to think that this is only the beginning. I am being filled up, learning to lean on my God, delighting in His word, seeking His presence, because He is everything. And I know that when the time comes He will reveal His plan for me. He will send me out.