Emmanuel

These last few days have been pretty intense. It's like the rawness of grief has blown away all reserved politeness. The church family has been drawn together so closely; supporting and loving each other powerfully. God has been at work.

Take Friday night as an example. We run a Friday night event for young people called LIFE. Liam's preach about Annie's death affected so many people, from those who knew her to those who didn't. As a leader, I felt a whole lot useless. I've never lost anybody close to me and in all honesty I didn't know what to say. I hated seeing so many people so devastated, it has a way of weighing on your heart, like some of their pain gets deposited onto you. And I would gladly take some of that pain if it lessened theirs but it doesn't. One girl was in floods of tears but refused to let me pray for her. There was so little that I could do to help.

However, it wasn't about me or what I could do. It was about Jesus. As the worship started I saw grief turned into passion for God. I have never seen that many people worshipping at LIFE. I think, for some of them, this was the first time they had worshipped God. Their pain was poured into praise and singing and this was more healing than any kind words of comfort could ever be.

What's more, we do not serve a God who is remote and distant. Friday night I sensed the presence of God everywhere. The only time I have ever felt Him so powerfully was right before I became a Christian. I could sense Jesus walking among us. I felt Him standing behind the worship team as they sang, feeding His strength into them. I felt Him among those who mourned, mourning with them. It's difficult to explain how I knew it was Jesus but I just did. I was trembling, my heart was thudding. I was both overwhelmed and humbled by the fact that He chose to be here with us. One word has been resounding through my mind the last few days: Emmanuel. Emmanuel means 'God with us' and is one of Jesus' many titles. So often people ask 'where is God in our sorrow?' But I have seen where He is; He is here with us. He choses to be here with us, He choses to share in our sufferings, He chose that when He died on the cross for us.

I know now that the fact that all I can do at the moment is pray isn't something I should be frustrated by. God is forcing me to recognise my uselessness without Him and making me lean on Him in prayer, asking Him to comfort all who grieve, because if I could do it by myself then I would be God. And I'm not.

God is God, He is very good. And so we worship Him, whether we have pain or joy in our hearts.

A Year Ago Today

Today is my Christianniversary. Now, I realise that this isn't an official term, it's actually one that originated from a friend of mine, the beautiful Gabbi "http://love-beyond-life.blogspot.com" (that's her blog). She's not only a great friend, but she's my 'Christian twin'. On 5th July 2009 we both gave our lives to Jesus.

I've been thinking about this all morning. This is the first time that I've just sat and looked back over it all. This year has been a crazy one. I've had heartbreak and frustration. There's that time I threw my bible across the living room in a fit of childish temper and so many tears that I'm surprised my eyes continue to produce them.

However, these things are insignificant when I think about what this year really was. It was a year of hope and of healing. A whole other way of life was opened up to me; a way of faith and beauty and joy. It's like suddenly seeing the world in a thousand different colours and I am stunned. How did I never see this? And why was I so content with black and white?



'Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free' - John 8:32
To all the people who thought I was being brainwashed: I say yes. I have had my brain washed. It's been cleaned of the rubbish and set free by new truths. When I first came to God I was broken. I didn't think that I was, but I guess it's only since I've been fixed up that I can see what a state I was in. I was insecure. I thought so little of myself. I hated what I looked like. The only part of myself that I thought was worth anything was my intelligence. And because this was the only thing I prized in myself, it became the only thing I valued in others. I was also broken-hearted and terrified that I was unlovable. Always scared that I annoyed my friends; that they would tire of me or see me as I really was and leave. Then I met Jesus and everything got turned upside down.

None of these things vanished overnight. It's been a journey (clichéd I know, but oh well). It's been long and painful and much counselling from Amy Mehta and various other peoples has been required. But God heals. What's amazing now, is that I can look back at who I was and look at who I am now and be blown away by how much God has done in me. And for that, I am so ridiculously grateful. God has shown me that I can have confidence that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved unconditionally. He sees the depths of my heart, the good and the bad, and loves me the same. He gives me joy. As for the other problem; 'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' - Psalm 147:3.
I most definitely agree.

I am whole and re-made. And to think that this is only the beginning. I am being filled up, learning to lean on my God, delighting in His word, seeking His presence, because He is everything. And I know that when the time comes He will reveal His plan for me. He will send me out.

He knows me,
He loves me,
He saved me.
I stand in awe because He died for me.

There is nothing more beautiful or more glorious than this.
The world has nothing to offer that could make me tear my eyes from Him.
One word engraved into my being; Jesus.
Let Your name always be there,
on my heart.

Cakey Shananigans

Anyone who knows me believes that I cannot cook. There was an incident a while back involving some packet cake mix, where the sponge cakes came out like biscuits, and since then everyone presumes that I'm a catastrophe in the kitchen.
But today, I have proved them wrong!

Look at the cupcakey goodness:



And now:



Now, I know they look beautiful, but that's not all. They also taste beautiful.
How do I know?
Because the world's fussiest person ate one of my cakes, and said it was yummy :)

Look at her go:



So yes, this is my post about cupcakes. I didn't really have much else to say, the cupcakes kinda consumed me..

What is written at 11pm when Charlee should be in bed and her brain is failing ..

Okay, so I am super duper excited right now.
I only have 4 more exams left and then.. I am free :)
Anyways, I've recently discovered Buffy. And I know, everyone else has loved it for years, but I'd never seen a single episode until last week. Procrastination can lead you to the most beautiful things. My initial delight has quickly blossomed into obsession.
"I laugh in the face of danger... and then I hide until it goes away." - Xander, season 1. Gotta love Xander.
Honestly, Buffy was the only thing that got me through my exams last week.

Charlee's Ultimate Plan For GCSE Success:
Come home after exam..
Watch Buffy/ Eat lunch..
Revise..
Watch Buffy..
Revise..
Watch Buffy..
Revise..
Watch Buffy..
Revise..
Sleep.

It's all become a bit muddled up really, I've began to associate staking vampires with the Vietnam War. I probably shouldn't have tried to multi-task. My head is so all over the place at the moment. I feel like I've just garbled onto my blog, so if you're reading this, could you possibly go back in time and not read it, that would be SUPER helpful.

However, if you're persevering in reading this gibberish I'm spouting, you should know that this song is amazing:



I go bed now <3

.

Broken by the fall,
I call, I call.
Arms lifted high,
I cry, I cry.
I know we must pay,
So I pray, I pray.

Silence; stretching and swelling. Suffocating.

Wait, I can breathe.
Jesus. Life. Oxygen.

Peace.

In the Beginning

Cupped in warm hands,
Folded in tender fingers,
Sweetly crafted,
From love.
He melded stardust,
Into soft pink flesh,
With glassy eyes,
Hollow inside.

Lips lean forwards, part slowly, breath of life from lungs past tongue and teeth, sighing out of mouth and into me.

I open curious eyes.
Alive.